Tall Tales
Turtle Project

This is the place for a shipmate's real life, it happened to me, "This ain't no s..." stories.  Also some other stuff.
Please send contributions to nvsoar.

The Golden Telephone
[A sequel to the story below]

A well known author decided to write a book about the chapels on military installations.  His first stop was the Base Chapel at Camp Lejeune NC.

He was inside the Chapel taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall above a sign that read "$10,000 per call."

Intrigued, the man asked a Marine who was present what this beautiful telephone was used for.  The Marine replied that it was a direct line to heaven, and that for $10,000 one could talk with God.  The man thanked the Marine and went on his way.

The author's next visit was at Andrews Air Force Base in the Washington, DC area.  There, at a very large Chapel, he saw the same golden telephone with a similar sign under it.  He asked his Airman escort the purpose of this equally beautiful telephone.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk with God.  "Thank you," the author replied.  He completed his visit and went on the the next stop on his tour.

He then traveled to Ft. Leonard Wood, MO, Wright Patterson AFB, OH, Annapolis, MD, and Parris Island, SC.  In every chapel he saw the same beautiful golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

Upon leaving Parris Island, he decided to travel to a Navy ship, now very curious to see if he would find the same telephone.  He arrived on board the USS Ronald Reagan by helicopter and was greeted the the ships Chief Master at Arms.  While waiting to visit the ships chapel, he was invited into the Chief's Mess.  There in the Chief's Mess the author was astonished to see the same beautiful golden telephone that he saw at all the other military chapels he had visited.  This time, however, the sign under it read "40 per call".  The author was awestruck.

He commented to his escort on the sign.  "Chief, I've traveled all over the United States of America and I've seen this same golden telephone in all the military installation chapels that I have had the privilege of visiting.  I was informed at these places that this beautiful telephone provides a direct line to Heaven, but in the Marine Corps, the Army, the Air Force, and even other parts of the Navy, the price was $10,000 per call.  Why is it so inexpensive here?"

The Chief smiled wisely, and answered, "You're in the Chief's Mess now son, it's a local call."
Life in the Navy

The Admiral - Leaps tall buildings in a single bound; Is more powerful than a locomotive; Is faster than a speeding bullet; Walks on water; Gives policy guidance to GOD.

The Captain - Leaps short buildings in a single bound; Is more powerful than a switch engine; Is just as fast as a speeding bullet; Walks on water if sea state is less than one; Frequently talks with GOD.

The Commander - Leaps short buildings with a running start and a good wind; Is almost as powerful as a switch engine; Is faster than a speeding BB; Walks on water in indoor swimming pools; Talks with GOD if special request chit is approved.

The Lieutenant Commander - Can barely clear quonset huts; Loses tug of war with locomotive; can fire speeding bullet; Swims well; Is occasionally addressed by GOD.

The Lieutenant - Rolls off the near side of quonset huts; Is run over by a locomotive; Can sometimes handle a weapon without hurting himself; Walks in shallow ponds; Talks with animals;

The Lieutenant Junior Grade - Can enter buildings with the aid of a doorman; Recognizes locomotives two times out of three; Is not issued live ammunition; Can hold breath long enough under water to be rescued by LCdr; Talks to bulkheads.

The Ensign - Gazes in awe at revolving door; Says "Look at the Choo Choo!"; Aspires to position of dart catcher; Plays in mud puddles; Mumbles to self.

The Chief - Lifts buildings and walks under them; Kicks locomotives off their tracks; Catches speeding bullets in his teeth, chews them up and swallows them; Freezes water at a glance; He is GOD!

[nvsoar__05Feb2007]  The author's name is unreadable on my very old and poorly reproduced illustrated copy of the above.  Please advise if the author is known.  Doug
A World History Lesson
On Liberals and Conservatives

    Division of the human family into two distinct political groups began some 12,000 years ago.  Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic  hunter/gatherers.  They lived on deer in the mountains in the summer and would go  to the beach and live on fish & lobster in winter.
    The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and  the invention of the wheel.  The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.  These were the foundation of modern civilization, and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
    Once beer was discovered it required grain, and that was the beginning of  agriculture.  Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can was invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.  That's how villages were formed.
    Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer.  This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement."  Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing.  This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.  Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women.  The rest became known as "girliemen."
    Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the trade union, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
    Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.  Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
    Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water.  They eat raw fish, but like their beef well done.  Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.  Another interesting evolutionary side note: Most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.
    Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals.  Liberals invented the designated  hitter rule in baseball, because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
    Conservatives drink domestic beer.  They eat red meat and still provide for their women.  Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally anyone who works productively outside government.  Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
    Liberals produce little or nothing.  They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production.  Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans.  That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe, when conservatives were coming to America.  They crept in after the Wild West was tamed, and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.
    And you thought history was boring.
[nvsoar  24Apr05]
Here's another that came in over the transom>    [nvosar   08Apr2005]

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle.   Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. 

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.   And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied. 

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said. 

"Forbidden fruit?  We have forbidden fruit?  Hey Eve, we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God. 


"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.   A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!  "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked. 

"Uh huh," Adam replied. 

"Then why did you?" said the Father. 

"I don't know," said Eve. 

"She started it!" Adam said

"Did not!"

"Did too!"


Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.   Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. 

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.   If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you? 

1.  You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk.   Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up. 

2.  Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children. 

3.  Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young. 

4.  Children seldom misquote you.   In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. 

5.  The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own. 

6.  We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in. 

Be nice to your kids.   They will choose your nursing home one day. 

If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "keep away from children"!!!!!

From Vic Gulliver -
        Now this is no s___!  I wasn't in the airplanes involved, but I was XO of VP-49 at the time and the CO and I were on the ground sweating bullets.   We were on deployment to Keflavik, Iceland in what could have been the middle of winter, but I think it was November.   One night, with two planes in the air working a Soviet submarine contact, we had a particularly bad storm hit the base, including 40 knot winds straight down the runway and a sleet storm that left the whole base covered in a thick sheet of ice.   Our two P-3's came back to base one at a time.   Each had a different experience.   
        In high winds, the P-3, like the P-2, tends to weathercock on the ground.   That means that the force of the wind hitting the large vertical stabilizer tends to turn the plane into the wind, much like a weathervane.   On a sheet of ice with high winds, it is almost impossible to taxi one of these planes across the wind.   Our first P-3 back managed to get off the runway and onto the parallel taxiway despite the slick conditions.   As he got closer to our ramp area he found the ice to be too slick to allow him to turn in any direction other than into the wind.   We considered having him just shut down the engines on the taxiway and we would chain the plane to a bowser until the weather improved.   The base wouldn't go along with that, insisting that we had to move the plane off the taxiway so that their commercial operations could continue.   We couldn't tow the plane to our ramp.   The ground was too slick to allow that option.   The base came up with the idea of using a water-truck to spray a path of water from the front of the aircraft to the flight line, followed immediately by spraying a layer of volcanic  ash and sand that would freeze almost immediately in the fresh water.   When they were through, the P-3 had a sandpaper-like path it could use for traction to get to the flight line.   It worked like a charm.
        Our second P-3 to land several hours later couldn't even get off the runway.   Every attempt it made to turn on to the taxiway failed because the plane couldn't be controlled and wouldn't turn on the slick ice.   After a half-hour of trying to get off the runway, the pilot backed up the full length of the runway (that's right; he didn't do a 180; he actually went into reverse and backed the plane up because he couldn't turn it).   He took off and flew to his alternate in Scotland.   Can anyone remember ever flying to their alternate even after landing at their destination airport?  Cross my heart.....   Vic Gulliver   01 Oct 2003